Over the years as I’ve evolved as a sex coach, I’ve experienced my own “coming out.”

Since I do life coaching and sex coaching, I would often choose one moniker over the other when introducing myself to new people or at certain events.

Up until recently, in the spiritual path that I follow, I would use “life coach.” I went to a large seminar a few weeks ago and decided to “come out” to these people.

My first experience was well-received. I was at dinner with a group of friends, one of whom knows what I do for a living.

I went for it.

I talked about powerful vaginas. How they can increase orgasmic potential and how they are able to make a man ejaculate or stop him from ejaculating with their great power. I spoke of eating come and why deep throating makes you a better person.

Then I shared with them what I see as the key to lifelong passion and activating the power of your intimate relationship: surrender.

Opening oneself up. Learning how to let go and step aside so that a greater power can come in.

Which is much like the road to God.

They loved it. They’d never heard anyone talk like that or link it altogether: whole-person sex and love.

Later that weekend, a woman I know locally approached me. She wanted to share with me that she thought I was too sexy. And that my “too sexiness” was not appropriate for the venue we were in. She told me that “people were talking.”

My sexual energy is integrated into my very being. I don’t think about it; it just is me. I don’t try to overtly BE sexy or dress sexy.

I just AM one sexy muthafucka.

Love it or leave it.

I don’t believe in women or anyone having to hide their sexuality—either with their clothing choices or how they behave. It is the equivalent of burqa-izing oneself.

My first thought was to let her have her opinions. She was coming from a very different place than me. But I have to admit, I was upset by the encounter. I was upset that people can judge like that, gossip, say mean things. And do it in such a cowardly, behind-your-back way.

So I harnessed my upset.

I told this woman how sex for me is about self-actualization. How we all have to collectively work to rise above the unnatural suppression that exists, especially for women. I told her how deep sex mixed with love opens and transforms us in a way that few things can.

I was passionate and fierce and vulnerable.

She started to cry.

I was already crying.

Once she could see how firm I was in my truth, she not only backed down, but it illuminated something in her. She saw a way of looking at this that hadn’t occurred to her before. As the discussion wound down, she asked me for my website. A few days later she emailed me to ask if she could coach with me.

It’s important to get your views across. To make sure that you are understood—that is your responsibility.

Not everyone will get it. If you can get to your own truth, and articulate it, you can wake up the truth in others as well.

Where are you hanging back and not fully expressing yourself? Where have you backed down? Where do you need to rise up?

Your life and self-worth will thank you when you do.

Stencil: Eddie Colla

But deep down, you know it’s time. To move. To end your relationship, quit your job, move cities or give up a crutch.

You keep getting signs. Doors open that support your next step: you get offered a new job contract. You meet an attractive man. Someone tells you about the low price of real estate in the city you dream of moving to.

I call this “the escalator effect.” The universe is providing you with a boost to the next level of your growth. It’s a window of opportunity that stays open for a short time.

There is a price to getting on the elevator: you have to let go of something first. You can’t get on it and still be in the situation you’re in.

Years ago, I was involved with someone and had knew for months that it was over. I was trying to push aside that knowledge. In a workshop, I had a moment of crystal clarity that we had no future. It was time to end it officially.

All kinds of amazing things were taking off in my life at that time: I was suddenly meeting LOTS of intriguing men, I had incredible business ventures gearing up, I felt very optimistic about my future—I was on an upswing. The universe was providing me with an escalator.

Except that I didn’t get on it.

It was six months before I ended the relationship. By that time, the escalator was long gone. Instead, there was a cliff in front of me. I was stuck looking down at the crevasse. I could still leave, and I did. Now it was much harder to do.

The escalator is the gift we get from the universe when we ACT on our intuition and “the signs” as they appear. It supports our growth into the next stage of our lives. When we resist and hesitate, that help evaporates.

The message? Act fast when you know it’s time.

The universe supports bold, brave moves.

The video above is a twist on this idea: it’s still up to you to move.

And, fyi, I don’t do margarine. Butter, maybe, a la Last Tango in Paris. Not margarine.

She’s an stunning, vivacious, radiant woman of 62. Let’s call her Sabrina.

I’ve watched Sabrina over the past couple of years as she’s put a lot of energy into her own self-care: she’s lost weight, taken up a health regimen, goes to the gym five times a week, attends burlesque classes and she’s had a committed spiritual practice for decades.

Her marriage had been flat for years and one day it became clear to her that it was time to leave. So she did.

When she called to tell me the news, the first thing I did was let her know her how very brave and bold she was to make that choice. Few people do.

Her other friends (single friends) told her how difficult it was to find love at their age. How all the good ones are “taken.”

So sixty-two-year-old Sabrina hauls her motorcycle out of the garage, where it has been collecting dust for years, and takes it for a ride on the highway. She’s blazing down the open road and she asks her inner guide (spirit, God, whatever you want to call it) “How is anyone ever going to find me? Everyone knows me as a married woman. Will I ever find someone else?”

Later in the week, Sabrina is at her farmhouse—she lives on a sprawling piece of property almost in the middle of nowhere—there is a knock on her front door. She answers it and a man stands on her porch. He says that his employer, Robert Redford, had recently been in the area, noticed her property and was interested in shooting there.

She took a moment. “You mean *the* Robert Redford?”

“Yes,” he smiled. “We’re doing a film here and he loved what he saw of your land. Would you mind if I came back to take some pictures?”

She said that would be all right.

**

Later in the week, Sabrina goes to the gym and into the sauna. There are a few men in there, besides her. Within ten minutes, the sauna is filled up. With twelve other men. Twelve men and Sabrina. What’s a girl to do?

**

As Sabrina pulls up to the supermarket on her motorbike, a very attractive man is leaving. He stops her and they chat about motorcycles. He asks her to go “riding” one day.

**

If Robert Redford (or a reasonable facsimile) can find Sabrina’s acreage, “the one” will also find her, and will find you.

Finding “the one” is not about actively searching—going to clubs, using dating services, asking to be set up on blind dates by friends. I don’t discourage those things, but I don’t encourage them either.

Finding “the one” is about cultivating self-love. Raising your vibration of openness, radiance and feeling joy in the life you have, with or without someone else in it.

Then you meet people at the supermarket, in an elevator, at your gym and walking down the street. The only thing you need to do is get yourself out into the flow of life, to immerse yourself in the things you love doing and you will attract the person who is a perfect match for you. It will be easy for you to find each other.

Image: Nan Goldin

From the universe. From your lover. From your friends.

There is a spiritual law which states that the universe cannot meddle in your affairs unless given permission.

And then it can start moving things around to give you what you want. And making miracles.

Miracles start with asking for them.

Thinking lightly about something, tossing it around in your head is not asking for it.

Making a request to the universe is.

Me thinking casually about writing a new article for Playboy is not asking. Writing a pitch to the editor is. (He loved it and said “yes” immediately. Look out for it in the coming months!)

Wishing your lover would figure out that you want him to spend more time performing oral sex on you during intercourse is not asking for it. Saying this is: “It so turns me on when you go down on me while we’re having sex. It drives me wild. I would love it if you did more of that. Would you?”

Being frustrated that your boss doesn’t recognize your true greatness is not asking to be acknowledged. Putting it out there that you are worth a promotion and a larger salary is.

No person, no thing can go about fulfilling your desires unless you ask first.

What have you been holding back on asking for?

You’ll be amazed at how eager the universe is to give you what you want.

Today, ask for three things that you’ve been holding back on. Doing so puts you back into the flow of life, of growth and movement in the universe.

Which is where you are meant to be.

The universe wants to collaborate with you. Look at nature—everything is in a constant motion of growth. That’s the nature of life here. All you need to do is get in the habit of asking.

It was for the incredible, held-in-many cities cultural happening Pecha Kucha. The format is totally unique in that each speaker has only six minutes: 20 seconds to describe 20 slides that encapsulate their creative inspiration.

Due to a snowstorm on that evening (all of Vancouver shuts down when it snows), it wasn’t recorded on the night. So I just recorded it myself, for posterity. And because I had requests to hear more about how to be properly opened and penetrated.

You’ll miss the gasps of shock and laughter from the night, but I’m sure you can insert your own.

It’s safe for YouTube. Safe-ish. So it’s safe-ish for work. Are cock chandeliers safe for work? One never knows.

He got them back.

My Definite Chief Aim

I, Bruce Lee, will be the first highest paid Oriental super star in the United States. In return I will give the most exciting performances and render the best of quality in the capacity of an actor. Starting 1970 I will achieve world fame and from then onward till the end of 1980 I will have in my possession $10,000,000. I will live the way I please and achieve inner harmony and happiness.

Bruce Lee
1969

**

Do this with your dreams and goals, no matter how lofty. Be lofty. Do it in every area of your life: your intimate relationship, your career, your physical health, your connection to God or spirit.

Imagine what an 11 out of 10 would look like. Write it down.

Each day, go into meditation and focus briefly on the finished picture of your goals. For example, one of Bruce Lee’s goals was to be the highest paid Oriental star in the U.S. He might visualize a newspaper headline with his name announcing his salary in his next movie. He could envision a marquee with his name headlining.

Feel what this would be like to see and experience these things. Put yourself there and feel it in your body. This is very important.

Then let it go. All you need is a few minutes each day to focus on it, enliven it and the universe will do the rest. Look out in your daily life for ways your wishes are coming back to you.

They will.

To sum up:

1) Make your list. If you can’t rate your imaginings as an 11/10, they aren’t big enough. Go bigger.

2) Each day, set aside 5-10 minutes. I like to do this in the morning, before I start my day. Commit to this time daily.

3) Bring yourself into a meditative state first. Two suggestions for getting there: a) focus on your breathing or b) chant a high-vibration word. I like the word “Hu.” It’s an ancient name for God. Do either of these two things (or something else) for a few minutes to settle down your mind.

4) Feel the outcome of your desires. How would it feel to be cashing that million-dollar cheque? Or snuggling up next to your soul mate as you fall asleep in each other’s arms? Feel it in your body and evoke an emotional response.

You create your own reality. Every day.

Do it now.

This is one of my all-time favorite videos. I love those three guys. The song is “Unstoppable” by Santogold and the chorus is “I got to be unstoppable.”

Revisiting the things that inspire me has been a great exercise. I think about activities that bring me clarity, center me in myself and give me excitement about my life and projects. For me, that includes being in nature, cataclysmic, mind-body sex and dancing like a maniac in a sweaty night club. Actually, anything that makes me sweat is on that list–from exercise, to sexercise, to giving a presentation in front of large numbers of people.

These things are soul food. For us to continually unfold as our magical selves, we need to build them into our life and diets as the essential nourishment they are. What is your soul food and how often do you incorporate it into your life?

***

Upcoming:

The Art of Pleasuring a Woman: Friday November 19, 7-9pm

Did you know?
- All women love sex? I can prove it.
- There are three types of female orgasms?
- Female ejaculation is a fact and possible for every woman.
- Oral sex is extremely healthy for you?
- How to keep your sexual chemistry sizzling all the time?

A stimulating evening full of information, answers and new techniques to inject life and passion into your intimate relationship. Women and men, singles and couples are welcome. Fire up your current relationship or prepare to take your new one to the next level of pleasure and fulfillment. Wine, sushi, aphrodisiac chocolates plus a 20% shopping discount at Vancouver’s only erotic luxury store: Tart Boutique. $50- (plus hst).

Seduction by Marjan Bantjes

Vaginal Weight Lifting: Tuesday November 23, 7:30-9pm

A toned PC (pubocoggygeal) muscle leads to more vaginal pleasure, better G-Spot orgasms and a chance at breaking the world record for vaginal weight lifting – if you can beat 31 pounds! Learn Taoist techniques that were employed by courtesans in the emperor’s court of ancient China to strengthen the ‘love muscle.’ The use of a jade egg is tonifying and strengthening for the pelvic muscle and goes far beyond the effectiveness of Kegels. I have eggs for sale for $50- which you may pre-purchase or buy on the evening. Please email me directly if you are interested in attending this salon.

Pecha Kucha: Thursday November 25, 7:30pm

So I did. For ten years.

For three of those years I lived in and around Tofino – for a while my residence was a floathouse that was moored an hour from Tofino by boat. I was living with a seafaring pirate who was more in tune with the ocean and the tides than any time piece (which often meant simple things like, “Which day will you be back?” were anybody’s guess).

One of the things I’m most grateful for during this era of my life, was feeling the freedom of: 1) owning very little and not caring about owning very little; and 2) letting my true self come out. Most of the inhabitants of Tofino and other such remote enclaves seemed to be on a similar journey. They were stripping off the pieces of civilization that formerly bound them and were finding out who they were beneath that.

I was reminded of this over the weekend when I went to Lasqueti Island for the wedding of two such souls I met in the bush over a decade ago. Lasqueti Island is off the grid: no electricity, no car ferry – just passengers – and a population of very hardy, eclectic people. This is important when you need to figure out how to heat your home and generate power where it doesn’t just appear with the flick of a switch. Hence, Lasqueti is a hotbed for alternative energy. In every sense of the term.

The wedding was beautiful: tender and so…them. The pair got married on a cliff overlooking the ocean, with their children climbing all over them, and the bride kicking off her flip-flops and walking barefoot down the hill after their oh-so-original ceremony.

In a place like this, there a few distractions to the things we might want to suppress. For me, with the lack of a computer, cell phone and my other pursuits, I had something come to the surface that I’d pushed down for years. Being there gave me the space to let it rise, to grieve it and then figure out what I am going to do about it.

The thing about stripping things away, is that it can feel disorienting, and anxiety-producing sometimes. In the words of Robert Frost: “The only way out is through.” Being vulnerable and open is the strongest place to reside. Stick with it and you will be reborn.

“Go big or go home!”
“If you aren’t scared ^%#$less, you aren’t aiming high enough.”

I did an interview on Urban Rush this week, which was my first television appearance. I had SO MUCH FUN! The hosts were great, I met some wonderful people on set (half-naked boys modelling the season’s newest itty-bitty swimsuits is a bonus – thanks universe, you are very kind) and I nailed it. To me, a fantastic day involves getting out of my comfort zone and putting myself out there in some way. Taking a chance. Pushing myself to be more, bigger, better. That’s when I feel I’m truly living.

Is it possible for every day to be like that? How can we keep raising the bar for ourselves?

I think it is possible. I decided to ask life to keep putting me up for these opportunities and in exchange, I’d keep stepping up to the plate. We choose the pace we move at. We can keep things easy-peasey and relaxed and cruisey or notch it up into the sparkly, fiery zone.

I love the latter.

What keeps you at your edge? Out of your comfort zone? For me, it’s speaking in public, surfing a challenging wave, putting my voice and ideas out in the world. I love doing all those things and I get a massive charge out of them.

Grow or die. Everything in nature is either growing or decaying. Which are you?