Do you want to taste and absorb every ounce of them?

Are you willing to let them deep, deep inside you? 

Are you in love with the very essence of them?

How much you enjoy oral sex will tell you that.

Your partner’s genitals are the essence of who they are. If you reject that, you are rejecting the core of your partner.

I’ve seen ridiculous products and advice that suggests if people don’t like the taste of their partner’s genitals, they smother them with cherry-cola-poufy-pouf creams and carcinogenic products. If someone offers that, kick them out of bed. DTMFA and move on with your life. You have no time for that shit.

You need to find an organic—in every sense of the word—solution instead.

Like these:

1) Bathe. Hygiene matters. Well, I sorta take that back. When I’m really into someone, I like it when they are sweaty and unwashed. And full of vigor. À la Napoleon. 

You’ve probably heard the famous story where Napoleon writes to his lover, Josephine from the battlefield:

“Am returning in three days. Don’t wash.”

If someone is healthy and eats well, following a clean and Crazy Sexy Lifestyle they are going to smell good. I promise.

I personally love it when my man is full of his own scent. It’s intoxicating.

2) I meant what I said about the barometer stuff. If you have an aversion to your lover’s genitals, I bet you have an aversion to them on other levels as well.

This could be situational: maybe there’s an issue that needs resolving. You need to talk orally before you can play orally.

Or, you truly aren’t a match.

In the ancient Taoist traditions, mates were paired according to their genitals. The genitals know.

Every man I have been totally smitten with, I’ve also been in love with his cock. And vice versa. I rely on my cock radar.

3) There’s an element of submissiveness to performing oral sex. Enjoy it. Let your partner’s genitals truly fuck you. Penetrate you.

“I want to fuck you,” she said. “It’s your face.”
“What about my face?”
“It’s magnificent. I want to destroy your face with my cunt.”
“It might be the other way around.”
“Don’t bet on it.
“
“You’re right. Cunts are indestructable.”

~ Charles Bukowski, Women, 1978.

If you haven’t already, explore this dynamic. As the recipient, be the fuckee, rather than the fucker. Really get into the action. Create an exchange.

4) More on receiving.

If you don’t think you enjoy oral sex, ask yourself this? How connected are you to your masculinity or femininity? Are you confident in it? Do you own it?

If you are dissociated from it—your feminine/masculine energy or your sexuality—you’ll be dissociated from your genitals. You need to reclaim that relationship and then you will feel more. Your genitals become living, sentient beings. With minds of their own.

Clear, trustworthy minds. Build that relationship with them. Love them. Massage them. Pay attention to them.

They are full of wisdom.

“It’s all been done before.”

When people say these things, I just roll my eyes. And quietly dismiss them from my sphere.

You are totally unique. There is no other soul exactly like you in the universe.

You are one of a kind. Your very own brand.

As you work with spirit and co-creating yourself, you amplify that. It gets stronger, clearer, more distinctive.

And it looks different than anything anyone has ever seen.

That takes courage to express.

Which is why so many people default to “It’s all been done before.” They’re afraid to take it to that next level.

“The one who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. Those who walk alone are likely to find themselves in places no one has ever been before.”

~ Einstein

When you are truly yourself, and you express that in your creative work, the end result is innovative, bold and NEW.

You, in this form, right now, have never existed before. So the expression is too. That is, the more you let the real you come out, and don’t hide behind what other people have already done.

Ian Schrager is one of my role models. He opened the legendary Studio 54 and in a later incarnation, gave birth to the boutique hotel. He wanted to create unique spaces that were like mini, self-contained universes.

And he’s done them so well. So well, that he’s been imitated the world over and started a whole new concept.

He’s said that he wants people to walk into one of his hotels and feel like it’s nothing they’ve ever seen before.

Two of my favorites are the Sanderson (above image is the lobby) in London and Gramercy Park in New York. Then there’s the Delano. And the Shore Club. I love them all.

The way he describes his creative process is this:

“I’m all about innovation. I want to walk right up to the edge and see how far we can go, without going over it.”

and

“I always do exactly what I love, and am always surprised when other people love it too.”

When I gave a talk last year at Pecha Kucha Night in Vancouver, I was wondering how far I ought to take it. Do I put it all out there? I’m this crazy mix of art and God and surfing and MILF-ing and ejaculate-eating. How would it all go down?

Raucously.

I put it all out there and knocked it out of the park.

A few tips on being courageous to your own voice:

1) The unknown can be very scary. Which is why most people don’t go there. Get used to the foreign-ness of it. Make it your friend. As Steve Jobs said,

“Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”

2) Surround yourself with big thinkers. Fearless thinkers.

Last year, when I was preparing my Pecha Kucha talk, I was talking to the awesome Kate Muker, of Conscious Divas. “Go for it,” she said. “Just do it.” Her words were the tipping point for me.

3) If you are having fun and it makes you feel high and belly laugh at the crazy absurdness of it all, you are probably on the right track.

I was talking to my awesome, awesome literary agent last week about my book. We were on the same theme: being true to my voice. As he gave me feedback, I was laughing so hard my belly ached. And ached.

I took it as a sign that we were moving in the right direction.

4) Stop hiding. Behind other people’s words and opinions. Do your best to discover your own. And express them.

I see people mimic and even plagiarize other people’s work all the time. And their opinions.

You aren’t fooling anyone.

Even if people don’t know exactly where you “borrowed” it from, whether it’s web site copy or how you feel about a social issue, they’ll feel that you aren’t totally authentic. And they’ll back away.

Even if it feels clumsy and painful at first, find your own way. It gets easier. And you’ll have the power of the universe, all of its creative energy, on your side.

I promise you that.

Be courageous and true to your own voice. Always.

****

The talk I gave at Pecha Kucha last year was called “Things that Open; Things that Penetrate.” It was on my creative influences.

If you haven’t seen the video yet, here it is:

PKN Vancouver is having a contest—the person who collects the most votes as the best presenter over the years gets to talk at their all-star night in February.

If you like the video (or you were there that night), please vote for me! Because it’s important that more people know it’s possible to love eating ejaculate and practicing high spirituality. And often at the same time.

Vote for me here! Scroll down to Vol. 14 to find me.

Many thanks and much love!

~ Kim
xx

Pleasure, yes, definitely. But I always felt how sex uplifted and changed me as a person.

Well, the right kind of sex.

The kind where two people really let down their guard, open to each other and allow the intensity of their longing for one another show.

No hiding.

That kind of sex is cataclysmic and life changing.

It’s why I’ve spent half my life studying, exploring and challenging myself in the sexual realm.

Because I’ve seen how powerful it is. I’ve seen how it allows me to self-actualize: to become more of the person I am meant to be.

By bringing the inside out.

Deep, powerful sex means that we have to be raw. And open. And share.

Without holding back.

Deeper orgasms REQUIRE this. Like G-Spot and cervical orgasms in women and G-Spot orgasms in men.

Mechanics only go so far. Which is why so few people ever reach the next level of orgasm and sex.

They don’t know how to let go.

And what is orgasm if not release? And letting go.

I’m so passionate about my work because I want everyone to understand the power of sex, of orgasm, to rebirth us. The French term of “la petite mort” or “the little death” is so fitting because amazing sex allows us to wake up and reclaim the lost parts of ourselves.

One of the things I always mention in my talks is the idea of committing to your sexual evolution. Like anything—your career, exercise—you only get to The Zone, to the good stuff when you stick with it.

The process of transcendence in anything requires committing. Until you make it to the other side.

Enter the idea of the 30-day sex challenge.

I’ve written about a couple and their Year of Living Sexually: 365 days of sex. And how they later said it was the best year of their marriage.

You can go big right away and do that. Or, you can begin with 30 days.

In the online G-Spot salon beginning next week, you’ll have five weeks in which to take up this challenge. I’ll be guiding you every step of the way in how to deepen intimacy, create lasting, powerful habits, and reach orgasmic enlightenment.

It’s possible for everyone.

Join us on a five week journey to revolutionize your sexuality. Or, take the journey on your own. Commit to 30 or 40 days of sex. Even if it’s with yourself. Every day, spend time coming together intimately, sexually. Focus on removing ANY barriers that crop up as excuses: children, chores, work or the ubiquitous “I’m tired.”

If you have sex the way I coach you to, you’ll be energized afterwards. That way, when you feel exhausted, you’ll reach for your lover instead of a Red Bull.

And you can try my very special diet.

Either way, whether you jump aboard with or without me in the next five weeks, I challenge, I DARE you to prioritize your sex life. It’s a huge part of you that NEEDS expression.

Let it out. Let it all out.

Want to hear the results of 30 days of sex? Would you like to see a well-fucked woman?

Right this way.

Scroll down to the video midway.

The proof is in the pudding.

Much love! And orgasms.

xx

Image: Pierre dal Corso

She’s an stunning, vivacious, radiant woman of 62. Let’s call her Sabrina.

I’ve watched Sabrina over the past couple of years as she’s put a lot of energy into her own self-care: she’s lost weight, taken up a health regimen, goes to the gym five times a week, attends burlesque classes and she’s had a committed spiritual practice for decades.

Her marriage had been flat for years and one day it became clear to her that it was time to leave. So she did.

When she called to tell me the news, the first thing I did was let her know her how very brave and bold she was to make that choice. Few people do.

Her other friends (single friends) told her how difficult it was to find love at their age. How all the good ones are “taken.”

So sixty-two-year-old Sabrina hauls her motorcycle out of the garage, where it has been collecting dust for years, and takes it for a ride on the highway. She’s blazing down the open road and she asks her inner guide (spirit, God, whatever you want to call it) “How is anyone ever going to find me? Everyone knows me as a married woman. Will I ever find someone else?”

Later in the week, Sabrina is at her farmhouse—she lives on a sprawling piece of property almost in the middle of nowhere—there is a knock on her front door. She answers it and a man stands on her porch. He says that his employer, Robert Redford, had recently been in the area, noticed her property and was interested in shooting there.

She took a moment. “You mean *the* Robert Redford?”

“Yes,” he smiled. “We’re doing a film here and he loved what he saw of your land. Would you mind if I came back to take some pictures?”

She said that would be all right.

**

Later in the week, Sabrina goes to the gym and into the sauna. There are a few men in there, besides her. Within ten minutes, the sauna is filled up. With twelve other men. Twelve men and Sabrina. What’s a girl to do?

**

As Sabrina pulls up to the supermarket on her motorbike, a very attractive man is leaving. He stops her and they chat about motorcycles. He asks her to go “riding” one day.

**

If Robert Redford (or a reasonable facsimile) can find Sabrina’s acreage, “the one” will also find her, and will find you.

Finding “the one” is not about actively searching—going to clubs, using dating services, asking to be set up on blind dates by friends. I don’t discourage those things, but I don’t encourage them either.

Finding “the one” is about cultivating self-love. Raising your vibration of openness, radiance and feeling joy in the life you have, with or without someone else in it.

Then you meet people at the supermarket, in an elevator, at your gym and walking down the street. The only thing you need to do is get yourself out into the flow of life, to immerse yourself in the things you love doing and you will attract the person who is a perfect match for you. It will be easy for you to find each other.

Image: Nan Goldin

For hours.

For years.

Sting popularized Tantra when he let it be known in an interview that he could make love to his wife all night He’s since admitted that he was exaggerating.

Which isn’t to say it can’t be done.

It can.

One of my all-time favorite lovers was a man in his fifties. He was able to make love for hours at a time. Literally. We would be up most of the night, save for the occasional 15-minute power nap and then he would sprint off to his high-powered job in the morning, brimming with energy and enthusiasm.

His secret was knowing how to move and recirculate his sexual energy, via some very basic Tantric and Taoist techniques.

Sexual energy is a massive, underused power source, and most people have no clue how to tap into it.

He did.

And made me a very well-fucked woman because of it.

The way to harness this energy is to get to the edge of orgasm and stay there. Learn to get comfortable there. You put yourself in the place where you don’t know if you can take the intensity, the pleasure, the depth and you stay even longer.

That edge also represents vulnerability. Commitment. Showing up. Endurance. Thinking that you can’t go any further and then you do.

That’s transcendence. You break through into another dimension of pleasure and another dimension of yourself, that you didn’t know was there.

That’s what I love most about Tantra.

We become addicted to peaks and valleys in our lives, and in sex: a build, a climax and then a descent.

As we get more masterful at living: controlling our attitudes to remain positive, no matter what; and at loving: allowing ourselves to stay in the pleasure zone, no matter what, then we’re able to remain at a high, powerful, energized place.

For hours.

For years.

We’ll be exploring the fundamentals of Tantra in the Sexual Savant Salons beginning next week. Check them out here.

From the universe. From your lover. From your friends.

There is a spiritual law which states that the universe cannot meddle in your affairs unless given permission.

And then it can start moving things around to give you what you want. And making miracles.

Miracles start with asking for them.

Thinking lightly about something, tossing it around in your head is not asking for it.

Making a request to the universe is.

Me thinking casually about writing a new article for Playboy is not asking. Writing a pitch to the editor is. (He loved it and said “yes” immediately. Look out for it in the coming months!)

Wishing your lover would figure out that you want him to spend more time performing oral sex on you during intercourse is not asking for it. Saying this is: “It so turns me on when you go down on me while we’re having sex. It drives me wild. I would love it if you did more of that. Would you?”

Being frustrated that your boss doesn’t recognize your true greatness is not asking to be acknowledged. Putting it out there that you are worth a promotion and a larger salary is.

No person, no thing can go about fulfilling your desires unless you ask first.

What have you been holding back on asking for?

You’ll be amazed at how eager the universe is to give you what you want.

Today, ask for three things that you’ve been holding back on. Doing so puts you back into the flow of life, of growth and movement in the universe.

Which is where you are meant to be.

The universe wants to collaborate with you. Look at nature—everything is in a constant motion of growth. That’s the nature of life here. All you need to do is get in the habit of asking.

It was for the incredible, held-in-many cities cultural happening Pecha Kucha. The format is totally unique in that each speaker has only six minutes: 20 seconds to describe 20 slides that encapsulate their creative inspiration.

Due to a snowstorm on that evening (all of Vancouver shuts down when it snows), it wasn’t recorded on the night. So I just recorded it myself, for posterity. And because I had requests to hear more about how to be properly opened and penetrated.

You’ll miss the gasps of shock and laughter from the night, but I’m sure you can insert your own.

It’s safe for YouTube. Safe-ish. So it’s safe-ish for work. Are cock chandeliers safe for work? One never knows.

With death comes rebirth. Sexual exchange was considered one of the most powerful crucibles in which to conduct such transformation. Says Shiva: 

“Sex has the power of both illusion and liberation, depending on the participants’ degree of conscious awareness. Sexual initiation is the selfless bestowing of one’s sexuality on another.

When a person accepts a sexual act as a gift, exchanges take place on several different levels simultaneously.

There is a physical exchange and blending of secretions, a psychological exchange of life energies and polarities, a psychological exchange of attitudes, a Karmic exchange through a convergence of destinies—and there is a spiritual exchange, a communion between spirits.

On the highest level, all these exchanges add to the quality of the couple. 

During high acts of Tantric sex, Karmas and unresolved personality conflicts can be totally transcended.”

Translation?

Bring all your shit to bed with you.

I was speaking to a woman recently who was saying there were certain things, like sexual fantasies, that she was reluctant to share with her partner.

She was worried that he might be offended or think less of her.

Listen up!

The place to bring all of your thoughts, desires, feelings and fantasies is to bed. Share them with your partner. Act them out. This is where you can catalyze your weaknesses and your insecurities into strengths.

Every quality we possess has two sides to it. Sex play allows us to alchemize our base qualities into gold.

Let’s take a common female fantasy: a woman who craves being dominated or “taken” sexually. Many women desire this. It’s a sanctioned way for them to indulge their sexual appetites—someone “made them” do it; and also, they get to feel the power and strength in their man.

All women want to feel this.

When a woman has a chance to act out her fantasies, even the ones she might judge, they balance her.

Stepping out of the bedroom (or the kitchen counter, or wherever—I’m all about not having sex in beds), she swings in the opposite direction: she feels stronger and more confident taking charge in her day-to-day life.

She’s had a place to release her submissive energy and now she’s raring to go.

This is the spiritual use of sex—using it as a way to grow.

If you haven’t already, confess your deepest fantasies to your lover and make space to act them out. That’s what sex dates are for.

***

That concludes our “all angles of sex series.” To review, we covered physical, emotional and mental elements of fabulous sex.

Stay tuned for new online salons and e-courses. If you can’t make it to any of my in-person offerings (or you are too shy!!), you’ll be able to participate from the comfort of your own home and bed. I’m super excited to launch these!

Also, I’m going to be featuring some Q and A vlogs. Got burning sex questions? Want burning sex? Ask me. Email your questions to: abodaciouslife {@} gmail.com.

Image: Wooden carving of Shiva, University of British Columbia

Any business partnership outlines terms of the relationship: who is responsible for what, a division of labor based on strengths and weaknesses, a business plan which outlines a course for the future and an exit strategy. Any business without such navigation in place would be doomed.

Yet, this is how most people approach marriage.

One of the most important “deals” that we’ll ever make, and rarely do people give any thought to what that adventure will look like. We know from the laws of manifestation and creation, that anything we don’t put conscious direction and focus in, is subject both to our unconscious beliefs and patterns, and is likely to be effect of many other factors, rather than cause.

I’m an advocate for “conscious marriage.” This means defining what marriage is to you and your partner, and not simply accepting centuries-old ideas of what marriage is. For example, an outdated idea of marriage is to stick it out to the end, no matter what. I would rather see the relationship as a vessel for growth and development with both people committing to its constant evolution.

Here are a few points to ponder:

1) Honesty. I’m into radical honesty and transparency. You’d think that would be a given in a relationship, but it’s not. I cannot tell you how many marriages are based on the tacit agreement of “don’t ask, don’t tell.” Are you truly ready to expose the deepest parts of yourself for healing and transformation? To see the same in your partner and hold them without judgment? When you do, the impact on your lives is massive. You allow each other to self-actualize.

2) Monogamy. Again, most people assume this is a default setting. It isn’t. I see the best use of monogamy as a desire to shut out distractions so that two people can go really deep with each other–this is approaching it consciously and as a choice. The wrong reason to choose it is simply because everyone else does or because the thought of your partner with someone else scares you.

I have seen open relationships that function better than most monogamous ones because the primary tenets are: 1) honesty and 2) a desire for the growth of the other person that transcends the desire to possess him or her. This is divine love in action.

3) Growth. I see three entities in a relationship: you, me and the relationship. I like to think of committing to the development of all three. What happens if one person drops the ball? He or she hits an internal wall and gets stuck and is unwilling to work through it? In essence, that person is now violating the terms of the marriage.

4) Sex. How important is it to each of you? If one of you has a once-a-day libido, and the other once-a-week, eventually you’ll outpace each other. I recommend once a day for everyone–it’s a fantastic way to connect and keep your bond strong.

I know several couples with marriage contracts. They serve to remind them that their marriage is a living, breathing thing that needs love, attention and direction. Like a business, you can hold quarterly reviews and I highly recommend giving out bonuses!!

You can design your relationship to be whatever you want. The important thing is to create it consciously so that it functions for the growth and well-being of you both.

Image: William Blake, The Marriage of Heaven and Hell, Plate 8.

Instead of bowing to the pressure and hanging her head in shame, she takes a powerful stance. Her English class is studying the book “The Scarlet Letter,” in which the “town whore” (um, she had an affair with the minister) is made to wear a red letter “A” for adulterer, on her chest at all times. Olive starts dressing the part of a fallen woman: bustiers, tight clothes and embroiders a large, red “A” on her chest. The women in her class hate her, the men want to fuck her and the Christians love her, hate her and want to fuck her.

What the film reminded me of was how women are constantly villified for their sexuality. No matter what stature a woman has attained in her work and her relationships, she is in constant danger of having the “slut” epithet hurled at her. The idea of a sexually confident woman is threatening. Apparently. Perhaps it’s remnants of the Christian archetype of women’s sexual power as mysterious and full of nefarious temptation.

In order to fully claim our sexual selves, women have to be prepared to jump through this hoop of fire. Like a gay person coming out, women have to brace judgment and scorn for enjoying sex.

Krystal Ball, a democratic candidate for Congress in Virginia experienced the backlash of…simply being a female, who might, on occasion, engage in sexual behaviour. After she took out a radio ad, a right-wing smear group dug up and published online photos of college-age Krystal engaging in some playful behaviour with her husband at a party.

“The tactic of painting successful women as whores – and I also can’t believe I’m using this word on your programme – that’s nothing new. Lots of women face this same thing. And so I decided, although I wanted to just sort of hide in a corner and cry, that I couldn’t let these tactics succeed,” said Krystal.

“Against nearly all the advice I was given I decided to give interviews. Siobhan “Sam” Bennett, from Women’s Campaign Forum, helped me to realize that the way to combat this was to take it head-on, to confront it.”

I agree.

As more people are willing to own their power and individuality and take a stand for things that are: 1) their own business and no one else’s; and 2) healthy expressions of humanity, these tactics will be less and less effective.

I cried this week when I watched this video, as I’m sure nearly everyone did who saw it. A Fort Worth city council member bravely recounts his story about being bullied growing up gay. It’s part of a campaign started by Dan Savage to encourage gay teens everywhere that someday, despite how difficult things may seem, it will get better.

We live in a culture where most of us have internalized oppression–women call each other names for their sexual behaviour and worse, think poorly of themselves. The way past this is wearing a literal or figurative “A.” Acknowledging that I, Kim am a woman and I, Kim, love to get fucked.

On that note, last Friday evening’s salon was The Art of Pleasuring a Man. We spoke all about loving to get fucked and the path of sexual pleasure as a self-actualizing one. Next month is The Art of Pleasuring a Woman. Join us if you dare.